Overcoming Suicidal Thoughts

I can’t lie when ‘TransparentC’ asked me to share this, my heart sank into my stomach. I’ve shared my difficulties with suicidal thoughts before, and in 2021 I broke the cycle of shame I had attached to it by being tranparent via an Insta post. However, to now go in depth publicly is another level of vulnerability. Holy Spirit, give me strength as I journey back to 2007 (age 12).

Being in a completely new environment as a child can be challenging. In 2003, my family moved to a new country. I was far away from everything I knew and was accustomed to. I think sometimes parents forget that when moving, children also start from scratch, and at a young age with nothing familiar around, it was hard.

How was I going to start building a new life (mainly new friendships)? Well, I was determined to blend in (given I was the only black girl in an entire K-8 [elementary to middle] school – that’s laughable) and not make any waves. I was determined to be the kind, bubbly “follow the leader” kind of girl; to not vocalise differences of opinion, and definitely to not express negative feelings that would make people uncomfortable. With this game plan in mind, I believed eventually I would settle in this new world, make friends, and become comfortable…right?

As the years went on, externally, people would see a lovely, bubbly, happy, bright young girl heading into her teenage years with lots of enthusiasm. Internally, I was slowly withering away. Behind every smile and laugh there was an overwhelming sadness inside with thoughts that plagued by mind: “You still don’t fit in”, “You see how skinny everyone else is, why don’t you look like that?”, “Why aren’t you pretty like everyone else?”, “Maybe if you were light skinned, people would like you more”, “They are just your friends because you make them laugh. If you do anything to upset them, you’re through”, “You’re a burden to your parents”, “Nobody really likes you”, “If you don’t belong here, do you belong anywhere at all?”, “You don’t have a place in this world – you don’t really serve any purpose, you’re just taking up space, so maybe it would be better for you and everyone else if you were just dead.” Now, that final thought was the scariest and loudest of them all. It would be a resounding thought and belief in my mind for over 10 years creeping in at any time.

I had gotten so good at masking, suppressing my feelings, and being performative that no one knew about these roaming thoughts or my two attempts at taking my own life. I felt low, insecure, burdened, and tired all the time. In public with my friends and family, I would smile and laugh, but alone I would cry out to God asking “why can’t I feel normal?!” It would be as if for every two steps I took towards happiness, my mind would pull me 5 steps back into despair. Knowing more about mental health now, I was struggling with high functioning depression. I didn’t believe I was worthy of life. I felt like a waste of space on this earth and that I didn’t contribute to anything or add to anyone’s life in a positive way. After the two attempts and as I got older, I felt I wasn’t going to make it past the age of 27. I had a sense of a foreshortened future because I believed I wasn’t deserving of a future. I was ready for God to take me early.

 ** Current internal thought** Look at all these lies from the enemy! What does Jeremiah 29:11 say? I have a future. I am an overcomer (Romans 8:37). 

I’ve always grown up in a Christian household, going to church every Sunday. My parents encouraged prayer, and they also emphasised the importance of me having my own relationship with God. Even during the battle in my mind, I felt a pull towards Christ.  I remember my first encounter with Christ that made me realise that God is real; it was during my first attempt.

During my second year at university, my accommodation halls hosted Bible Studies every week. I started attending, and it was a great environment to learn more about who God is, what His word says, and ask questions without judgement. I really enjoyed being with my peers, hearing about their own faith journeys, and it shifted my perspective on God in a more relational and approachable way. Before, I’d felt that my problems were too insignificant and childish to bring to God. I also felt guilt and shame about the struggles taking place in my mind; however, being with my peers in Christ really helped to counter those beliefs. They reaffirmed God’s care for everything in our lives; nothing is too big or too small – God cares about every part of our lives. 

With going to Bible Studies and joining the gospel choir, I began talking to God more and slowly opened up – as if He didn’t already know but like the Word says: come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest (Matt 11:28)- the key word being ‘come’. While God knew the battles I was struggling with, He needed me to open that door to Him and allow Him in.

Honestly, being transparent with Christ about my mental health was one of the best decisions I could have made. I started to search what God’s word says about me to learn the truth and fight against those lies that had taken root and planted a tree in my mind. Bit by bit I would reaffirm His words and counter the negative beliefs: “For I know the plans I have for you”, “God has a plan for me”, “I’m not a waste of space”, and something a friend from choir would always say “you are needed, and you are loved”. I am needed and I am loved. Every week for the next two years I heard that, and I began to believe it.

The next few years were filled with various trials and difficulties that challenged me and my mental state. But the difference this time was I believed God would see me through. I had faith that I wasn’t alone in this battle, and one day I would feel inner peace and joy like I hadn’t before. Eventually I told one of my best friends a portion of what I was experiencing. She didn’t need to know everything, but it was enough for her to check on me and for me to feel connected. I would continue to share my story in bits with those closest to me. I didn’t divulge everything all at once because for me personally, I didn’t feel ready to. But, sharing these inner parts of myself helped me feel less alone and burdened. All those initial seeds I had planted about friendships from a young age, I had to unlearn that, and I’m continuing till this day.