Intro; background on myself
My name is Debbie and I am a management consultant by profession. I’ll be sharing my experience with heartbreak and how I healed.
When was & what caused your heartbreak?
I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 4 years. We met in my first year of university and we started dating for 5 months and then ended up in a relationship. We met after a university party and given we lived relatively close to each other in London, we started talking a while after.
The relationship was toxic from the very beginning. My ex was very controlling and insecure (I say this with the greatest respect and the benefit of hindsight).
About a year into the relationship, I found out my ex was messaging numerous other girls inappropriately. When I confronted him about it, he first denied it but then confessed. I decided to forgive him the first time I found out and we carried on the relationship. A year later, I found out that he was still messaging girls inappropriately again. We broke up for a little while and then we got back together within 2 months.
Eventually, I got fed up of his childish ways and knew this wasn’t a relationship that was going to last so I decided to break off the relationship.
Thoughts, emotions and feelings during that period and journey?
It was honestly the worst period of my life.
Prior to the relationship, I lost my best friend less than a year ago and I had not really dealt with grief properly. I believe I used people to fill the void and my ex was one of them. I was almost desperate to replace that friendship and used relationships to do so.
During the relationship, I had low self-esteem, attachment issues and was incredibly insecure. There were times I couldn’t look in the mirror because I felt so ugly and felt like the only reason, he had any reason to look at other girls, was because I wasn’t pretty and worthy enough.
I stayed with him way longer than I should have because I didn’t want to feel lonely and felt like no one would want me.
How did heartbreak affect your everyday life?
I cut off so many people because of him. During the relationship, I slowly drifted away from my male friends because I realised that my ex would feel uncomfortable. So, to make sure he wouldn’t feel that way I stopped speaking to them (so silly I know). There was even a female friend that I cut off because he felt like they caused me to go out too much.
My 3rd year at university was also massively affected as we would constantly break up which meant my emotions were all over the place and I found it so hard to study. I spent majority of my 2nd year and last year at university at home because, I hated being at university and I just wanted to be with my family.
Did you go through all the stages of grief?
During the 3 years after the breakup, I went through several stages of grief.
Firstly, anger. I was angry with God for allowing things to happen to me and having to go through certain things. But mostly, I was angry at myself! I knew for a long time I shouldn’t have been in that relationship but, I let the fear of loneliness and my low self-esteem get the better of me. It did way more damage than it should have done and I couldn’t stop blaming myself. I actually wasn’t even really angry at my ex because, I’m sure he would have eventually left me lol.
The other stage I dealt with was depression. I was never clinically diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I was going through depression during the relationship and after! I was so lonely even though I had a boyfriend and I was incredibly moody and negative due to how I was feeling on the inside.
After the break up, I experienced severe loneliness. I went from talking to someone every day to nothing. I also felt like I’d never find love. Throughout the relationship I didn’t feel good enough and that seeped into how I felt after. I didn’t feel like I was worth loving or there was anything spectacular about me to love.
Also, at that time, I didn’t have many friends because I hated people lol, so there weren’t many people I could talk to or go out with. But after joining the youth ministry at my church, I met life long Godly friends who have made a massive impact in my life and have helped me tremendously without even knowing. Shoutout to the shepherds!!
What steps did you take to heal and overcome your heartbreak?
I found JESUS. I was so fed up of the way I was feeling and I felt like there was nothing else out there for me but God, so I decided to try Him. I had been brought up in a Christian household but, if I’m honest, I was not really a Christian.
I didn’t really know where to start so I decided to get involved in church and it was the best decision I could ever make, wow. I not only built a relationship with Christ but also made lifelong friends that have really changed my life.
It all started to get so much better when I took my relationship with God seriously. God taught me how much he loved me through His word and through the friends I encountered. When people would complement my character and personality, I would see how amazing God has made me and the unique characteristics He had placed in me and the way I saw myself began to change.
It was probably just over a year after the breakup that I started to really accept who I am and have hope in my future. I began loving me for me, the good and the ugly and starting allowing God to prune where I needed to be pruned (this is still a work in progress) but I’m finally at a place where I have so much hope for the future. This year I plan on going to therapy also which I’m looking forward to. It’s only up from here!
What and who helped you on the journey?
My sister and my best friend were my rocks during this time. I would speak to them about everything. I never really classed myself as an open or emotional person but, my heartbreak turned me into a Lionel wreck and my sister was my shoulder to cry on and sounding board. Also, my involvement in church and going to the gym helped my mental and physical wellbeing. It also helped me keep busy. With hindsight, I wish I also attended therapy!
At the beginning, I wasn’t speaking to anyone and I would isolate myself which didn’t help. Once I opened up, I felt so much better!
How long did it take for you to heal?
It took me about 2 and a half years to heal (this may seem long but, there was a lot I was battling with). There was a lot of healing and rediscovering that I had to do. I decided that I wasn’t going to date anyone until I really loved myself, God, and was at a place where I was healed. I didn’t go on a single date or talk to anyone romantically for 3 years.
I actually found this easy because, I was so focused on healing and being the best version of myself, I did not want to settle for anything less than I deserved and what God wanted for me. I believe it was the best thing I did for my healing journey and I actually thoroughly enjoyed singlehood!
What season are you in now?
I’m in a really good season where I am continuing to fall in love with God and myself. I still think I have a lot of work to do in terms of loving myself but, at the moment I really do love my personality, where my life is heading and I am so grateful to God for everything he is doing in my life and excited for what’s to come!
Any lessons learnt?
1. NEVER ignore the red flags
2. Work on insecurities before getting into a relationship
3. Love yourself before loving someone else
Any advice you’d give others going through heartbreak and on the journey of healing?
God is the only person that will not fail you and love you unconditionally. Seek Him like never before! It’s not easy at ALL. I didn’t think I could ever feel better but I got there in the end.
Also, I honestly believe talking to someone is one of the best things you can do! But the right people. Whether it be a therapist, family member, or friend.
Keep busy but, make time to deal with your emotions! Find a new hobby, go out with friends and also make time to sit and deal with your emotions. In my opinion, distractions work for the short term but, it’s important to deal with how you’re feeling and tackle the root of it!
