Marriage & Motherhood as a Newlywed

Intro; background on my marriage and motherhood journey

Hi, my name is Tashique and I’m a Wife, Mother and a Salesforce Business Analyst. My husband, Miki, and I met at work in London in 2018. He had joined my company and worked with the same client I was working with. As we shook hands professionally on his first day, there was a curiosity (and attraction) that we both experienced and later confirmed to each other. Just a month after meeting we were official but, not before jumping through some hoops. Two of those hoops included me cutting some old relational ties and re-exploring my relationship with my faith. Our lives completely changed. 2.5 years after that; we had a covid-style wedding where our lives changed dramatically again. 14 months after that, we welcomed our first-born son – Zephaniah, another dramatic change. Now we are finally in a season of stability and predictability, as in December 2023 we are 5 years together, 2.5 years married.

Things I wish I knew prior to marriage and parenthood

I did lots of preparation for marriage in my courtship with Miki. We participated in premarital counselling both from an independent body and my husband’s father (who is a Pastor). We attended events covering topics on ‘how to navigate courtship well’; ‘some things to expect within marriage’ and ‘the importance of prayer and putting God first in your marriage’. I also read books and watched videos that reinforced these things also. But, for me personally, there is nothing like experience. The application of this knowledge and wisdom continues to grow day to day in marriage. We are far from having all the answers and the know-how, but we are much better after facing trials and getting through them together. I detail some things we continue to learn and practice in the answers below, under advice for newly-weds.

In regards to parenthood, in the 9 months leading up to seeing our baby’s face I felt our whole lives revolved around his arrival. We renovated our home; we read books; we spoke about our plans for parenthood; we flew my grandmother from Jamaica to live with us for 6 months, to help with the baby while I went back to work. One thing I wish I knew was how my friends and family could support us in more practical ways. In hindsight I have a better idea, which I have answered below, under how others can support me.

What changes did you experience in marriage after becoming a parent?

My husband and I conceived just 6 months after marriage and in that time, we lived with his parents while we saved for our first home. This meant that we didn’t initially get to experience a marriage without others involved. However, now that we live alone as a family, we are a lot more autonomous and make decisions for ourselves as a family of 3.

My body had changed drastically towards the end of my pregnancy and in the first year after birth. I put on a lot of weight and stopped working out halfway through pregnancy for a few reasons. This negatively affected my confidence and body image overall, which did have an impact on physical intimacy with my husband. I tried to eat better and workout with many failed attempts (I just felt overwhelmed with all the things to do and to think about). So, I recently got a personal trainer who thinks about my food and body so that I don’t have to. My confidence is back up which only aids physical intimacy in marriage.

How does marriage and motherhood impact your everyday life?

My life is completely different with the introduction of marriage and parenthood; both of which are two of the biggest joys and blessings of my life and also very challenging at times. Creating a family unit by which you are one of the leaders is no easy feat. Working together with another person in close daily partnership, tackling life’s demands requires much skill. Thankfully, my mental health is in a great place but, there have been times where I may not be doing so well and struggling to cope with everything. I have to be very intentional with work as, Zephy usually wakes up at 6:30AM, we get him ready and take him to day-care. I will start at 9 and aim to get as much done as possible within the day, or else, after evening time with the baby (between 5 – 8PM), I’ll have to go back and do more.

When it comes to other relationships, I have less time and energy to pour into them in my current season, but when I do I like to make it count. As babies grow up and they are less dependent, I foresee myself having more free time and flexibility again.

What helps you manage day-to-day?

Systems and structures:

Daily check-ins with Miki to talk through the day/week ahead, what needs to be done and what each of us can do to support.
Weekly plan between Miki and I for who is dropping off, picking up from day-care and putting Zeph to sleep.
Weekly church on Sunday, spending time with our church community really fills us up spiritually and mentally.
Bible reading, prayer, quiet time to myself before the day starts.
Coffee (lol)
Exercise x2 a week with personal trainer

Calendar for time management and collaboration:

I utilise my phone calendar for personal things; we have a physical calendar in the kitchen for any joint events/things to note. I sync my work and personal calendars using an app called ‘Motion’ so I can see all things I need to do in one place.
Having dinner together each evening to connect and chat.

How can others support you?

My friends and extended family do a good job at allowing me to have my family as a priority. We catch up and socialize, live life and have fun also. My friends who are married support me just by being able to talk through situations with them, same with my friends who are parents. My in-laws are amazing, they look after our son overnight whenever we have an event or want a break. Additionally, my own parents always check in on me. However, more opportunities to have fun with just my friends and me would be lovely.

In the new-born phase, which was really hard for me with a painful and healing body, heightened emotions and general uncertainty about things along with much joy! It is really helpful for friends and family to provide company but, also to help out where they can by perhaps bringing groceries or cooked food, helping to clean up or wash baby clothes, fold and put away laundry or looking after the baby for a few hours (if they know how to or be willing to learn over time).

What advice would you give others, newly married couples, new parents or those soon-to-be?

Faith is integral in my journey, both in marriage and motherhood.

To Christian newly-weds who desire to do marriage God’s way:

1. Whether you have been in a relationship for a long or short time prior to marriage, this is truly the beginning of a lifelong pursuit of learning and loving each other. Seek to love how we see Christ love, and know that this will not always be an easy mandate.

- Now that I’ve been married and lived with my husband for over 2.5 years, I feel like I know him much more deeply than before marriage and living together and I continue to learn more about him. As more of what he wants and needs is revealed to him, I’m made aware of how I can love him and support him better. He has the same character at the core but, as humans do, he has many many layers.

2. Pray each morning to renew your mind and welcome the Lord into your heart and home, to be led by the Holy Spirit. Pray for your spouse. Read the Bible to reveal the desires and character of God so that we may grow in wisdom and imitate how God wants us to live.

o It’s so annoying to me that the simplest of things can come and knock you down if you are not prepared. The number of things that need to get done in a day from the demands of work and life; while trying to maintain relationships; eat healthy and exercise; be a good mum and wife; keep a clean and orderly house. My capacity continues to be stretched, so I need to find my anchor in the Lord, each day. He renews my strength for the day ahead.

3. Put your marriage vows up visible in your home to remind you of the covenant you made between God and yourselves.

o It’s easy to become complacent in life and forget that you are living in the midst of answered prayers. Having your vows up is a sobering reminder of your marriage.

4. Be open to re-negotiating the terms of your relationship and your own ideas of how things should be.

o So that your marriage does not become something that stifles individual growth and positive change, you may need to have an open mind to re-consider how you go about things and how you think things ‘should’ be in your own opinion. Also, both people have likely been raised very differently, you both need to come into agreement about what your new marital culture looks like with grace for each other in the process.

o My husband and I have learnt this one the hard way and further revelations of this keep happening. I’ll share an example of this: while pregnant I was quite sick and couldn’t do basic things like cooking or cleaning for a while. Miki had to take on this entire load for months which meant he didn’t have any time to work on music (his passion). He simply worked and looked after me and the house. It took perhaps a year after the baby was here for him to find his swing with music again. 1.5 years sacrifice which was likely not ideal for him but, was needed for our family’s season.

5. If your marriage is healthy overall, you are both likely to go through personal healing from things at different points in time. This may be a messy process, but know that it is necessary and ultimately a good thing that your marriage allows a safe space for the resolution of trauma.

To soon-to-be parents:

Discuss with your partner your ideal approach to parenting and discipline.
Discuss with your partner how you will split home and baby responsibilities in a way that works for you both.

1. Perhaps create or find a list of all things that need to be done and assign owners.
2. The execution of this can be flexible but, the owners are responsible for thinking about that task. This point is referring to the ‘mental load’ as a concept.

Have a place for everything and keep everything in its place! Makes it easier for both parents to do tasks if items are where they need to be.
Allow yourselves to be supported by others (it takes a village).