Navigating Singleness

“God, where is my Boaz? God, where is my Ruth?”

As we approach Valentine’s Day, the season of love, many of us find ourselves caught up in the whirlwind of “my man, my man, my man.”, “Thank you to my man”, the rose petals, the gifts and the loved-up Instagram captions. But, for single individuals like me, who have spent years navigating the realm of singleness, Valentine’s Day often evokes a unique set of emotions – self-reflection, moments of inadequacy and periods of loneliness.

Hello everyone, I’m Abi, a Project Manager, and in this post, I’ll be sharing my experience during my journey of singleness for approximately four years. During my single season, Valentine’s Day became a time of introspection and growth. I am here to share some insights on overcoming the challenges of singleness during this love-centric period.

Singleness is “the state of being single and not being in a relationship”. The period of singleness is quite volatile and can range from a few months to years.

During my singleness, I experienced significant feelings of loneliness. I was a strong and vocal person, but the stigma of loneliness became my identity. As an extroverted introvert, I thrived on the energy of being around people, however, despite been surrounded by friends and family, the fact that I wasn’t in a relationship and did not have a partner to share moments with, made me feel a sense of loneliness within myself. In the depth of loneliness, I found myself questioning whether there was something inherently wrong with me. I recall there was a situation few weeks before Valentine’s Day in 2022, where I thought about my ex and wondered, “Did I make a mistake leaving that relationship?”. At that moment, the idea of enjoying Valentine’s Day and dining with my ex at a fancy restaurant with gifts was so tempting. But deep down, I knew leaving my ex was the right call for me.

Being single for a long time, I felt like there was a magnifying glass zoomed in on every quirk, amplifying insecurities and suggesting that maybe, just maybe, something was wrong with me, and possibly that was the reason no-one wanted to be with me. This brought up so much unexpected insecurities; despite having a good job and financial stability, the absence of a romantic connection made me feel as though I was missing something essential.

During my singleness, the recurring question that always lingered in my thoughts was, “Will I ever find someone?”, “Will I ever find my person”. I guess this was based on the societal expectations and pressures. Especially in my case, the pressures started early in my life. As the first and only daughter from a Nigerian heritage, my parents instilled in me the idea to prepare to be a wife. Despite excelling academically and advancing in various aspects of life, the primary focus was always on shaping my character to be someone’s wife. From the tender age of 16, my mother’s prayers were ‘pray for your husband’, ‘pray you meet someone who can take care of you’, ‘let your husband locate you’. This constant expectations from my family resulted in significant and unwanted pressures. It led me to hyper-focus on relationships, and, in some instances, I found myself entertaining random dates with men simply to meet the perceived societal standard.

Another societal expectation that added to the weight was the unwritten rule that “Life must be sorted by 30” and therefore I must be married with kids before turning 30. This expectation is rooted in tradition, as my parents and previous generations tied the knot between the ages of 18 and 25.  So, reaching my mid 20s and still being single for several years was a shock to my family and friends. They found it hard to understand why I was single, and at times I would receive comments such as “Aren’t there any men talking to you?”, “let’s pray that by this time this year, your husband will come”.

Truthfully, it was during this moment, I realised those close to us, driven by love and overprotectiveness, can unintentionally contribute to hurting us during the singleness period. Therefore, overcoming these societal expectations and pressures required a dose of open communication and honesty. I decided to have candid conversations with my family and friends, explaining how their well-intentioned pressures made me feel compelled to be in a relationship, potentially rushing into situations that weren’t right for me.

Being single, no matter how challenging, demands honesty about emotions with oneself. I learnt and am still learning that it’s okay not to have all my emotions figured out, so I always gave myself grace during this period. While navigating your emotions and being honest with yourself about your feelings, it’s equally important to share those thoughts and feelings with friends and family. No matter what the feelings were… be it confusion, loneliness, peer pressure or fears, I had to realise that my family and friends will not intentionally hurt me, rather they always want the best for me.  And when I was able to express my feelings to those close to me, they were able to see life from my perspective. This openness not only relieved some of the pressures but, it also strengthened the support system around me. It served as a reminder that the journey to finding ‘the right person’ is unique for everyone, and societal timelines shouldn’t dictate personal happiness.

I also had moments when I was the only single person within my friendship group. Due to my span of singleness, I was dealing with singleness whilst some of my friends were in a long-term relationship, engaged or married. While I genuinely felt happy for my friends and celebrated their relationship milestones, there were moments when I was sad. This was not because of envy, as I had understood the depth of my friends’ relationship, but the sadness was due to the awareness of my own singleness. It did get hard when friends were in relationships and I felt like I couldn’t connect with them or speak to them because they were not in the same season as me. I learnt that the key during such times is to know that embracing singleness doesn’t mean you should not be happy for others.

I was able to continue to have hope and faith that I will meet my person in the future, by realising that it is okay to be single. God knows the best thing for me. He has my timeline in his hand. And, if I truly believe that everything will and has worked for my good, then currently being single is because that is the phase I am supposed to be in. At some point, I had to challenge myself to change my mindset. I eventually realised that I was okay with being single. Yes, it can be hard, but I am okay with it. Despite how long it will be, it is always better to be single rather than being in a situationship or an unproductive relationship. Initially I struggled with the concept of “what if I become single forever”, “what if I am in my 50+ and I had not been married”, but then I remembered that it is better to be single than for me settling for less. I was able to overcome this fear by being surrounded by people who were in their lates 30s and 40s, not married, yet living their best life (e.g., Stephanie Okere and Yvonne Orji were role models for me).

Before I met my current partner, I evolved the relationship within myself. I realised that, yes, I am single but, I can be in a relationship with myself. The following practices helped me:

1.      Self-reflection: Taking the time to understand my values, desires, and aspirations helped me cultivate a clearer sense of self.

2.    Positive affirmations: Affirming my worth and embracing self-love became daily practices. Simple statements like “I am enough” and “I deserve happiness” gradually shifted my mindset.

3.     Embracing hobbies: Engaging in activities such as travelling, going to the gym, and taking myself out on dates. This helped me to reconnect with my interests, fostering a sense of fulfilment.

4.     Surrounding myself with positive influences: I was able to cultivate a supportive social circle with friends, church, role models and family. This encouraged personal growth and built my self-worth.

Due to these practices, I was able to enjoy the freedom that singleness brings. The ability to make spontaneous decisions and pursue personal passions without considering how they will impact anyone. Being single is a time of self-discovery. I had the freedom to travel, explore new places, different cultures and build invaluable experiences with other single people.

If you are currently single during Valentine’s, the below are my advice:

1. Embracing Solo Time:

I found it tough initially, but realizing that being single isn’t a disease but, rather singleness is a phase, was a game-changer. I made a conscious effort to go out and enjoy the things I loved. Whether it was exploring new places, indulging in hobbies, or simply relishing a quiet evening with a good book, I learned to appreciate and enjoy my solo moments. It’s not about waiting for someone else to complete my story; it’s about writing my own narrative and enjoying every chapter.

2. Turning to Faith:

Another profound strategy I adopted was turning to God as the author and finisher of my faith. The Bible verses that resonated with me during this time were Psalms 37 verse 4 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and petitions of your heart.” and Psalms 55 verse 22 “Cast your burden on the Lord [release it] and he will sustain and uphold you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken (slip, fall or fail).”. I distinctly remember looking at myself in the mirror, repeating affirmations like “I am beautiful, and I am worth the wait.” This helped me to develop a moment of self-love and acceptance within myself.

It sounds ironic but one of the metaphors that struck me was ‘likening this period of singleness to the process of cooking’. Just as preparing a meal takes time to wash, cook, and prepare, our journey to finding the right person involves a similar preparation period. During this time, I realised I was being washed, cooked, and prepared – refreshed and renewed. I am/was undergoing a transformation, basking in the light of God’s glory. This waiting period wasn’t a pause, but a preparation.

In the season of waiting, I learned that God was with me, which strengthened my faith. My faith grew when I realised who I was in Christ. Yes, it is okay to have insecurities, but I am aware that all my doubts and fears aren’t hidden from Him. He sees into the depths of my heart. In those moments, I felt a profound assurance that I was loved by the One who created me. I embraced the understanding that, during the wait, God was moulding me into the person I needed to be for the next chapter of my life.

Maintaining hope and faith in the prospect of meeting my life partner became a reality when I embraced the idea that it’s perfectly okay to be single. Understanding that God holds my timeline in His hands and truly believing that everything works for my good shifted my perspective. If I’m currently single, it’s because that’s exactly where I’m meant to be.

To solidify this mindset, I had to challenge myself and intentionally change my perspective. I came to the realization that being single is not just okay; it’s liberating. Yes, it can be tough at times, but deep down, I’m genuinely okay with it.

3. Focus on Personal Development:

Use this time to focus on personal development. Invest in learning new skills, advancing your career, or pursuing educational opportunities. I had changed job 2 times and earned a higher pay grade. The more you invest in yourself during this period, the more prepared and fulfilled you’ll be when the right person comes along.

4. Stay Open-Minded:

While navigating singleness, remain open-minded about the future. Allow yourself to meet new people and experience different aspects of life. Be receptive to unexpected opportunities and connections, without feeling pressured to conform to a predetermined timeline. There is currently 8 billion People in the world, your Boaz or Your Ruth is in the midst.

If you are single during Valentine’s Day, don’t let the pop culture and social media consume you. Just know that above looking for a man or looking for a babe, your first love is God. God loves you and He is perfecting the right person for YOU. Enjoy the journey, embrace the present, and trust that your story is unfolding in its own perfect time.