Balancing Motherhood, 9-5 & Entrepreneurship

Intro; Background on myself

I always find it interesting that whenever you meet someone for the first time everyone always has the unspoken question in their heads, ‘What do they do?’. It’s so funny but we all do it so here’s my personal speel … My name is Brenda. Hey! I am a 35 years old Wife and Mother of 2 boys aged 4 and 6 months.

I have been a qualified Social Worker for the past 14 years and currently work in an out of hours Emergency Duty Social Work team as a Practice Manager.

I am also the Managing Director – ‘SHE E O’ (as some of you would call it lol) of a 24-hour supported living service and domiciliary care agency for the past 3 and a half years. We support adults with mental health needs, learning disability and substance misuse issues with their care and support needs and their journeys to recovery.

At the time of writing this blog post I am currently on Maternity leave from my Social Work role. In saying that, I continue to have an active role within the business as well as mothering, wife-ing and all things life-ing. What is maternity leave anyway?!

What inspired you to pursue entrepreneurship while also maintaining a full-time job and raising a family?

My journey into entrepreneurship begun whilst I was on maternity leave with my eldest son. If I am honest, it was not something I had ever aspired for. In hindsight this was due to feelings of uncertainty and a fear of the unknown. I always knew that managing a business came with so much responsibility and where I had worked really hard within my Social Work career and obtained additional qualifications, I was comfortable and did not feel there was a need for change. The initial idea was brought forth by my mum and brother. After much persuasion on my part, whilst on maternity leave, I felt the time was right and fast forward I decided to take the leap and start the business not knowing what it would be or where it would go.

Thoughts and emotions during this journey transitioning into motherhood as a full-time worker & entrepreneur?

The journey from becoming a mother and an entrepreneur if I’m being wholly Transparent (pun intended lol!) was hard. At the time of starting this business I was a new mother and really trying to find my feet in that regard, which was a major transition in itself. Then also getting into business within the social care sector, which has many regulations and legislations to follow, as well as, a stringent inspection process to enable the organisation to lift of the ground, I felt pushed and pulled in so many directions. When I look back, I got it done, but in reality, I was barely keeping my head above water. There were a lot of late nights, early mornings, internal stress, mum guilt and poor self-care whilst I tried to balance being a good and present mum, pushing the business off the ground, navigating the change in my relationship that comes with having a baby, and accepting the new person I had become.

For a long time, I really resented the business and often questioned myself on what and why I was really doing this. I felt the business had ‘stolen’ my maternity leave from me and for a period I was really angry with myself for embarking on the journey. I often felt I wanted to retract from it, yet I knew that wasn’t at all possible.

Primarily because I am not a quitter, and in a way, would have felt I had let myself down by starting something and not seeing it through. As well as feeling as I was ‘in too deep’. So much had been invested, time, money, effort, and after we obtained our registration, we received a referral for our first resident pretty quickly and I now had an additional person relying on me which I could not let down. 

I questioned whether I was a good enough mother? Was I spending enough time with my son? Would he feel neglected? You see so many mothers on social media and in these mothers’ meet ups who seem to have it all together doing all the activities under the sun and here I was up to my eyeballs in paperwork, working any free moment outside of my commitments on this business and in the business. Being naïve at the start and not really knowing much about the practical day to day elements of what the business would entail I had only hired one member of staff alongside myself and my mother. Running a 24-hour service where someone always had to be present it really was a madness! I was burntout and I don’t actually know how I navigated it. I just kept on pushing hopeful that things would settle in time.

What challenges have you faced as a mother, full-time worker & entrepreneur?

Returning to work as a mother, business owner and full-time social worker, was a shock to the system. I felt the pressure of having to ensure I was doing a good job at work after my return, to prove I was still as capable as I was before I went on leave. Yet the reality was, despite there being no change in my work capabilities and my ability to perform well in my role, I had changed and so had my commitments. Gone were the days where I could freely stay at work beyond 5pm in order to finish a report. Nope, as soon as 5pm came I was out the door because I had to leave to ensure I could do the nursery pick up and maintain the routine I was developing at home for my family. Then after the hustle and bustle of dinner, bath time and bedtime routine I still had to work on my business in the evenings, carve out time to spend with my husband and actually try to sleep before it all began again.

My work would suffer as I would be getting calls from staff and other professionals related to the business during working hours that I had to tend to. Other times my business would suffer as I would need to push my energy into work so that I didn’t fall behind. In my head I had set out that I didn’t want my business to impact on the 9 to 5 but it slowly was intertwining and I would often switch between the two just to make sure things were staying afloat.

At home I felt an immense amount of Mum guilt and Fiancé (I was at the time) guilt having to spend long hours working and sometimes having to become too reliant on TV or the tablet just to ensure my son would stay quiet so I could get things done. Then at the end of it all I was knackered and wasn’t able to always give the time, energy and effort into my relationship as I wanted.

The main challenge and is still a challenge to this day is the juggle. Wanting to be a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, good employee and look after myself. When equally these are all just as important as the other within the context of each of them. 

What support systems or resources have been crucial in helping you navigate this complex balance?

I often get asked ‘How do you do it all?’. Honestly, I don’t and I don’t think there really is an equal degree of balance however, what I would say is routines are crucial. Having children in a routine is something that helps you work around everything else. One minute all is well and you’re like yes, I got this! However, with children there will always be curve balls at every hurdle, from your child deciding in the morning they won’t put their shoes on and this causing a 20min delay, LOL, to those nursery illnesses spring from nowhere and throwing everything back in the air. However, where I can I try.

I am the absolute Queen of to do lists and I couldn’t live without them. I write absolutely everything down so that I can remember it all and try to prioritise things to make sure I can get things completed or at least the things of priority. My to do list and calendar are my saving grace and I don’t know who I would be without them. School events, work meetings, business meetings, social events I put everything in my calendar straight away and I check this at least twice a day so I can plan towards things in advance.

In terms of my job, I switched roles although I continue to be full time I now work from home and I work a combination of days and nights. Don’t get it twisted this comes with its own stressors. However, I have found that in terms of managing the balance it has made a big difference as I can work when the kids are in bed and also be available to pick them up. Despite the work I do continuing to be complex I don’t carry the added stress of managing cases as I did previously.

In terms of home life my husband and I have to work as a team. We have a shared calendar and we try to sit down once a week to discuss the week ahead, what meetings each other has who can do pick up and drop offs etc. I think if we’re honest as mothers, when it comes to the children we are going to carry more of the load in that respect. However, there are other ways my husband will always do his part as part of our system and to keep it working. It is by no means perfect and is a continual working progress but we are on the same page in understanding what needs to be done.

Something I learned the hard way after experiencing a period of burnout was, that people within your business can also support you and delegation is key. Creating systems and processes can be time consuming to put in place but, once you have them, they will surely carry you through. If you’re a bit controlling about how things are done (Like I am, lol), it’s important to remember that not everyone will do things in the same way as you but, it can be done to a good standard and its okay to let go and let others help because there is no way we can do it alone. God did not create us to live this life in isolation. Help can present itself in many forms and it’s important to acknowledge that and accept the support available.

How has your faith helped you on this journey?

Faith has been the one thing that has kept me going. Having faith that despite all the hurdles, I had to keep going. Having faith that things would get better. Having faith that I would see the fruits of my labour. As I continue through the journey, I realise that this is not just a business it’s part of my God given purpose in life. I am so passionate about supporting people, helping them in their journey despite the adversity and building the relationships with the people within my service is what I am meant to be doing. I think maintaining my faith in God and in the process, he has taken me through has proven why. There is something about working with people of vulnerability that will continuously keep you humble, grateful and enable you to lean in to your faith and relationship with God. Without God I would not be writing this post. It may help some, it may help none, but there is a reason for everything and I truly believe that Gods blessings on my life are not just luck or hard work, because in reality that can only take you so far. The consistency, the commitment and the dedication come from God and not just will power.

How do you prioritize and balance self-care, personal time, family time & social time within the busy schedule of motherhood, work, and entrepreneurship?

This is something that in my 3 and a half year journey I am honestly trying to do now. I think the harsh reality is when you are starting a new business or entrepreneurship in any capacity you have to put in the work, period. That incorporated with being a mother and having a full-time job requires you to make some sacrifices that impact your own personal leisure time. That’s the honest truth and it can’t be dressed up in fancy frills. In doing so, it is inevitable that there will be an ongoing battle and difficulties finding a balance and carving out time for yourself if there are things that you want to achieve. However, over time I have learnt that is actually impossible to pour from an empty cup and there will come a time that if you don’t pause to stop and prioritise yourself and your self-care you will run dry. I recently had a health scare primarily underpinned by stress and that put a lot of things into perspective for me. It caused me to face myself and think about what I am really doing. I can have a tunnel vision go go go way about me which in some respect has been beneficial on this journey, but has also worked to my own detriment.

To make the change for myself I had to change my way of thinking and my daily routine. By nature, I am a night owl (currently answering this at 11.30pm on a Tuesday evening!) and I usually enjoy staying up late and having that quiet time to myself. Although I am really trying to flip it and wake up earlier to do the same. I have made a commitment to myself to ensure I work out regularly whether that’s at home or the gym – schedule dependent.

I also try to schedule my maintenance self-care appointments in advance nails, hair etc so they are in the diary and I can plan around them. I enjoy and love my friendship tribe so much, that anything we’re doing together, where I can I will try to prioritise because, I know that spending time with them uplifts me. I’m also learning to be self-full. I used to use the term ‘selfish’ but, my therapist told me its self-full and this includes setting more boundaries with my space and my time so I don’t feel overwhelmed and learning to say ‘no’.

I will lean on my support system to help with childcare and I am getting more and more used to accepting that sometimes it’s okay to say no, and not everything is a priority. Some things can wait and if that requires me putting something on the back burner to enable me to have time to myself to rest or do something I enjoy I’m going to do that. Time blocking is key to ensuring I have a focused period to just work. I have also been focusing my energy on being more present in whatever I am doing. When I am with the kids I am with the kids and that’s my focus. Same with spending time with friends etc. It’s not always easy but I provide more fulfilment rather than always trying to multi task my way through life.

Can you share some practical tips on how you manage the demands of being a full-time working Mother?

·      Organisation, prioritisation and having a schedule is key. To do list and diaries are your best friend. This is what I use to stay on top of my life… literally. Uniforms are ready and clothes laid out the night before, bag packed before bed and I try where I can to make sure my house is clean before I sleep (the night owl in me). That way, the little stressors like, “where is my sons P.E. kit?” or “where are his shoes?” are eradicated in the morning rush.  I also complete my to do list and look at what is needed the following day the night before, so I can start planning and thinking how it is going to get done.

·      On the back of this however, I would say prepare for the unexpected and be adaptable. You’re a mother and you have kids, so some days, you won’t get to do what you want to do and what you plan. No matter how organised you aspire to be, you can be thrown off track. Don’t let it derail you. Be flexible, adaptable and keep it moving, tomorrow is a new day.  

·      Delegation. You can’t do it all at once. Don’t be afraid to delegate as well as ask others for help. This will ease your load, reduce your stress and make space for you to do other things. 

·      Develop resilience and find ways to manage your stress in a healthy way. Stress is an inevitable integrated part of life. Business or no business. Family or no family, you can’t escape it. What you have to do is just learn how to manage it. Take a break, meditate, go to sleep, find what works for you. Ensuring you take time to pray, reflect and not be afraid to ask for help is essential when wearing so many different hats.

·      Set boundaries, learn to say no and protect your peace. I’m saying it like it comes easy to me but, it really doesn’t and it’s probably the hardest thing that I struggle with but I am trying. Don’t be afraid to communicate what you want, what you will and won’t accept and enforce those boundaries until they become the norm.

·      It’s a marathon not a sprint, be kind to yourself – Building a business, a brand, anything, takes time, consistency and hard work. Look after yourself on the journey and remember your playing the long game when you start from scratch but, it will be worth it. Face your front and don’t compare to others. Your life, your priorities, your family, your job is not the same as others. Stay in your lane.

How can others support you?

To put it simply, bear with me, I will reply.  I think just having patience and an understanding of the season I am currently in is key. I would not have achieved even half of the things without having the support from my family, friends, husband and from God. Practically this could look like family helping out with child care, my husband offering support by being a listening ear, support by going out with friends and letting my hair down and having quality girl time.

Having boundaries are also important. This is me making sure I’m setting them, as well as other people respecting them, and understanding that boundaries are not personal. Respecting boundaries can be a form of support by not adding additional stress or understanding your need for personal space to rest, recuperate and recover.

I have learnt that, receiving support is just as important as asking for support, or seeking support where you can.

What advice do you have for other mothers (or mothers-to-be) aspiring to balance a career, entrepreneurship, and family life?

My best advice would be stay committed and consistent to yourself, as well as, to whatever you are trying to build. You will never really find the ‘balance’ as things are ever changing but, as long as you stay committed and have faith to keep going you will achieve your goals. It’s going to take sacrifice, hard work, dedication, however, it will serve you and others. There will be times that other areas of your life will take priority and that’s perfectly okay. Something that will remain consistent is that you are a great wife, a loving mother, a loyal friend and a dedicated employee. This will never waver no matter the season of life you are in. Keep going, Keep pushing you got this!