Intro; background on yourself and describe the season you’re in
Hi I’m Toyosi, I’m 28 years old and I’m from London. I currently work as a Cost Manager at a consultancy firm. I am currently in a season of getting to know myself and loving myself better!
What prompted you to embark on a journey of self-discovery?
So being Nigerian, my Mums measure of achievement was to go to uni, get a job, get married, buy a house, have children and live happily ever after. It wasn’t until 2022 I started to realise that wasn’t my standard of achievement. To get out of bed was an achievement. To be able to make time for my friends was an achievement. To be able to go through a whole day where I was feeling happy was an achievement.
In 2022, my mental health was in the gutter. They don’t prepare you for life after uni. You’re still learning every day, trying to compete for better salaries, better promotions, sustaining your relationship with friends and family, trying to make time to date and study for qualifications. I feel like the first 3 years of working, I was just winging it and going with the flow. Just vibes; I wasn’t thinking. Then I realised I didn’t know who I was. I had allowed social media and my Mums standards to define me, and I didn’t want that anymore. During this time, I also reflected on my emotional intelligence and looking back on certain situations, I did not handle them well at all. I was quick to anger and was unable to see a reason for certain situations. This caused a few barriers in my life and did not allow me to focus on the ‘bigger picture’.
Thoughts, emotions and feelings leading to your journey of self-discovery?
During this time, I was very low and did not want to be outside at all. I started to judge how I looked and questioned if I was genuinely happy with the way I was living. I was trying to discover what I actually liked doing, rather than doing things because it was what the majority wanted to do, so I took some time out.
What steps did you take to begin your journey of self-discovery?
1. I took time out to spend time with myself without distractions
2. I went on a social media detox and deleted my Instagram account
3. I started asking myself what do I actually like doing?
4. I tried out different hobbies like swimming, walking, journaling and playing netball with a few friends
What helped you on your journey of self-discovery?
God, family and some close friends have helped me through this journey. Being able to be transparent with them and not feel judged, was a different feeling. I thought I was going to look weird, not knowing some of them were feeling the same. It had me thinking why aren’t we having these convos? Why are we doing this alone? Shouldn’t we have a support system for these things?
How has your faith helped on your journey of self-discovery?
All my life I’ve said I was a Christian, but I realised that I leaned so heavily on my Mum’s faith in God rather than my own. What I mean by this is, I let my mum take control in situations. For example, if I had an issue, I would ask her to pray for me, I would go to her asking what the bible said about certain situations; if she didn’t go church, I wouldn’t go. I realised that I needed to do these things for myself. I wanted to be prayerful, I wanted God to direct my steps, I wanted to read the bible myself and attend church myself. So, during this time I went out to seek what faith meant to me and the type of faith I wanted. I was very fortunate to find the answers I was looking for and to know how God sees me.
No matter what situation we may go through, God remains the same. He is honestly so patient and loves us regardless. Understanding that relieves the pressure to live up to worldly standards.
Any challenges during your journey of self-discovery?
So, what didn’t help me during this time was Instagram. I’m not saying Instagram is bad but, for me it was not what I needed. I’ve been off Instagram for nearly two years now and I used to love going on Instagram. I never thought I’d need time away from it, but I did.
Seeing everyone doing well was hard because let’s be honest, everyone puts their best foot forward on social media and to see it every day was suffocating. Not to say I wasn’t happy for my friends or family; I was. But during that time, I was confused with what I wanted to do next. I didn’t want to copy people because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I wanted to do things for myself, so I can be happy.
I am still off of Instagram and honestly, I’m much happier. I may reactivate it again at some point, but I’ll do this in my own time.
Another challenge was trying to explain how I felt to some friends. I would get comments like ‘oh you’re overthinking it’, ‘everyone has problems though, we just have to move’, ‘but you went out with that person the other day, I thought you were calm’ etc. But it was a mask I was wearing and the more I wore it, the harder it became to cover it up. When I finally explained I wasn’t in the best place, it was frustrating trying to explain that some days you can have good days, then others will be bad. It’s not like I didn’t want to chill with them or be with them, I was not in a good place and I thought, ‘why would I want you to be around my negativity?’ It makes you feel really alone and you start to think you’re weird because everyone copes with things differently. All I wanted was for some of them to listen and say Toyosi it’s going to be OK; how can I help you during this time?
Who was Toyosi and who is Toyosi becoming?
I used to be someone that would try to live up to the standards of social media, my friends and my mum, which definitely put a cap on my happiness. Currently, I am still trying to understand life and what that looks like for me going forward and I’m really ok with this. I’m not putting pressure on myself; I’m taking each day as it comes and enjoying life the way I want to and nothing and no one can make me feel bad about it.
What have you learnt about your true self so far? Have you discovered any unexpected/new hobbies, passions, talents, likes/dislikes, etc.?
During this time, I’ve discovered that I enjoy chilled activities, spending time alone, swimming and going on long walks with my friends and family, but I’m still figuring things out and trying new things.
In what ways has your perception of success and happiness changed during your self-discovery journey?
I believe success is whatever you want it to be. It can be getting a job, learning how to ride a bike, learning a new language, getting a mortgage, you name it, Success and happiness is personal.
What strategies or practices have you adopted to better understand your emotions and thoughts?
I was in therapy for some time and it really helped me to understand my emotions, why I felt what I was feeling and to understand my thoughts better. I was able to speak to someone that did not know me and be vulnerable and transparent about all the thoughts I had in my mind or speak about situations I had been through to process them and heal. I journal now, so I can reflect on my day and put down the emotions I feel that I may not be able to say out loud.
Lessons learnt so far and any advice you’d give others on this journey of self-discovery?
I’ve learnt that it’s really ok if you don’t know who you are right now. This is your chance to find out no matter what age. Not everyone will understand the journey you’re on and that’s okay. Don’t be afraid to say no to things you don’t enjoy doing anymore, because you think it may affect your friendship. If they are your friends, they will understand, compromise and encourage you
