Intro; Background on myself
Hey, my name is Kwame. I am 36 years old but I look much younger! I am a follower of Christ, a husband, father, an associate chief pharmacist for a mental health trust, a minister in training and a leader of a young adult’s ministry at a Baptist church in Croydon.
How do you define manhood (“becoming a man”) and what steps did you take to mature and transition into manhood?
My definition of manhood has evolved over the years. Initially I thought it was about being independent, having a source of income and nurturing children, but manhood is much deeper than that. When God said ‘let us create man in Our image’ (Genesis 1:29), He created a man that was like Him in nature – holy, pure and powerful in authority. Adam was also a leader, he had a mandate which was to look after the garden of Eden, he was fruitful, and he loved God’s creation. So, for me manhood is about reflecting the nature of God: leadership, being committed to our God-given mandate, being fruitful with our resources and loving those around us.
After discovering this I had to abandon my shallow ideology of manhood; an ideology that was influenced by tradition, culture and popular opinion. Instead, I took steps to deepen my relationship with God because essentially, we can only look like Him when we spend time with Him and allow His spirit to dwell in us. This meant reading my Bible more, praying more, going to church more and listening to sermons more often. I also made a choice to associate with those that shared the same ideology of manhood, especially those who were further ahead on the journey of manhood, after all ‘iron sharpens iron’.
Thoughts, emotions and feelings during the journey of becoming a man and transitioning into fatherhood?
If I’m honest I wasn’t in touch with my feelings during my journey to becoming a man; I was pretty nonchalant. I believed that men were supposed to suppress rather than express their emotions. I thought as long as I was independent, earning an income and being “masculine” then I was growing into becoming a man.
When I found out I was going to be a father, I remember responding with a few words. People would ask how I’m feeling, and I would respond by saying “I’m cool” because that’s what I thought I was supposed to say, but deep down I was nervous. Looking back, I can definitely see traits of toxic masculinity. I hid my feelings of anxiety even though I was about to enter the new experience of becoming responsible for another human being; I didn’t ask questions about how to prepare despite not knowing what to do, I just kept telling myself I’ve got this and boy was I wrong.
The day she was born, I cried small small. The tough guy image eroded slowly. When I held her for the first time, I realised that I was no longer a priority, my priority was now her. So, I asked questions, spoke to other fathers, read articles, and asked for help. It’s okay not to know what to do in a situation as long as you ask for help, and with time those feelings of fear and anxiety begin to disappear.
Did you have any fears and if so, how did you navigate them?
My biggest fear was probably around being able to provide financially for my daughter. I didn’t want her to go through some of the things I went through as a kid, so I was committed to making sure she had more than what she needed. This motivated me to work hard (sometimes too hard) and it inspired me to aim high in my career.
What and who has helped you on the journey of manhood & fatherhood?
I would say that my Dad played a huge role in my journey to fatherhood. We never really talked about fatherhood before he passed, but his actions spoke volumes. He was a great father. He put his kids first, instilled Godly values & discipline in us, sacrificed to put food on the table… he did a lot! He was a great example.
I would also say my faith has been instrumental in helping me become the man God intended. Through the lens of scripture, I’ve learnt the true definition of manhood and I’ve also been privileged to have a close relationship with my pastor who has been a walking example of what it means to be a Godly man and a husband. I call him my Dad too. Through our conversations, his sermons and from watching how he interacts with his family, I’ve caught so many lessons and grown both mentally & emotionally.
What pressures do you face as a man & father and how do you navigate them?
The societal pressure on men is a lot. You’re expected to have it all together – good looks, good job, high income, nice car, nice house, nice figure, likeable character… the list goes on. The expectation to have all those things in order can have a negative impact on our thoughts and emotions when those things aren’t attained, but because we’re men we’re expected to keep going. Poor mental health amongst men is a real issue. Men tend to say “they’re okay” even though deep down they may be struggling but due to the fear of being emasculated, people don’t speak up.
The responsibility of being a father, leading a family and making sure everyone is okay spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially comes with a lot of pressure too, especially if you want to do it well. You have to ensure that you’re always in a position to pour into those you are responsible for. You also have to be really careful with your decision-making as your decisions affect you and those around you. There’s a saying, ‘heavy is the head that wears the crown’, I think that is so true when it comes to fatherhood; it’s an amazing responsibility but it comes with a heavy burden.
How do you balance your responsibilities as a man with your other everyday life activities (i.e. work/studies, relationships/friendships/family)?
Balancing my responsibilities is a work in progress but one thing I’ve realised is that you have to be intentional about prioritising the things that matter. That means you can’t always be at every event and you have to be comfortable with using the word ‘no’. I use my calendar religiously, and plan my days and weeks in advance which helps to make sure I’m available for my family when they need me. I also try and work from home at least once a week so I’m available to drop my wife at the station, take my daughter to school and then pick them up in the evening. We might also get something to eat on the way home which gives us an opportunity to bond.
Your family needs your love and your time, but you can’t give them either if you’re not physically, mentally and emotionally able to do so. Therefore, prioritising your wellbeing is a must. For me, socialising with friends and going to the gym helps. I wish I could go to the gym more often; in fact, I need to, but again it’s all down to balancing other commitments.
I also go on a spiritual day retreat once every quarter. I started doing this last year and I find it so beneficial. It gives me an opportunity to escape the busyness of life and spend some alone time with God. I always end up coming back refreshed, focused and have a clearer mind.
What values and characteristics do you believe are essential for a man and/or father to display?
Love is the number one value needed to be a Godly man or Godly Father. You’ve got to be able to love selflessly and sacrificially in order to carry out your responsibilities effectively. Love will motivate you to put others before yourself. Love will have you spending your last last on your family just to make sure they have everything they need. Love will encourage you to go the extra mile even though you might be tired.
The next important value in my opinion is integrity. Honesty must be your policy – your yes must be your yes and your no must be your no. You will be the first example of a man and a father that your kids will experience, so you’ve got to have good moral and ethical principles if you want to set the right standard. Other values such as discipline and diligence are very important too.
What advice would you give to those who didn’t grow up with a father or father figure in their life to help improve their understanding of what it takes to be a good father?
The best example of a good father is our Heavenly Father, so I would recommend looking to Him for the perfect example. If we can discover how much He loves us and how He demonstrates His love, even though we don’t deserve it, I think we will have a perfect revelation of fatherhood irrespective of whether we grew up with our father around or not.
I would also suggest building relationships with fathers who fulfil their role well. Spend time with them, observe and ask questions about how they’ve navigated fatherhood. I always say that if you want to do something that someone has already done, then the easiest method is to imitate what they do.
I also believe that every man should read books on fatherhood. It’s a responsibility that has the greatest impact on the future of others so educate yourself as much as possible in order to do it well despite your circumstances. I would highly recommend reading ‘Family Shepherds’ by Voddie Baucham, it’s a great book to start with.
By TransparentC
