Intro; Background on yourself
My name is Marian and I am a mother to a beautiful 2 year old toddler.
What surprised you the most about motherhood that you didn’t expect?
Before you give birth, everyone who has had a child before will tell you about the lack of sleep that is waiting for you on the other side. However, the extent to which you may become sleep deprived in my experience was no joke! I was exhausted! Every stage of motherhood has its challenges, but I think the lack of sleep during the newborn stage most definitely took me to my breaking point. This usually happens because your little one isn’t sleeping through the night yet, and so is likely waking up every few hours (or in my case sometimes every 45 mins!) for a feed, nappy change or just general comfort. It is brutal! Although there is hope in the sense that, in the grand scheme of things, it may not last very long. But I recognise that doesn’t take away from how difficult it is when you are going through it.
Thoughts, emotions and feelings during this journey transitioning into motherhood? How did you navigate and overcome these emotions?
I was very excited to become a mother and when I was pregnant, my anxiety and fear was more around the labour and child birthing process. To calm these fears, I did as much reading and research as possible to understand what was going on with my body, and the science behind it all. I also got into hypnobirthing which made my birthing experience very positive. Having said that, I wish I had spent as much time reading and researching into the postpartum period because once the baby was here, I felt extremely ill prepared. Looking back, I don’t think anything could have really prepared me for that time but, I think if I had asked more questions, I would have at least managed my expectations. For example, I would have known that after giving birth, I’d feel like I’d just been hit by a train and would feel sore all over; or that I wouldn’t be getting much sleep for a while. I would have learnt what cluster feeding was and the toll it can take on you – especially if you choose to breastfeed. The fact is that everyone has an opinion on how you should look after your baby and so it’s important to trust your instinct and do what you think is best etc. (you get the point!)
Can you share some of the most rewarding moments you’ve experienced as a mother?
It’s really rewarding when you actually start to see the fruits of your labour. For example, I started reading and speaking to my son from when he was born. They are such sponges and as he is growing, I see how he recognises certain words and objects, and it is so lovely to see his speech develop.
What challenges have you faced as a mother and full-time employee?
Being a working mum involves you having to constantly juggle the needs of the home, work, family etc. Sometimes the juggle can make you feel as if you are never fully present. But this is something I am working on. Being present means I am a better mother when around my toddler and a better employee when at work. It’s also very challenging when your little one is ill and you need to make last minute arrangements, reschedule your working day etc. This often throws me off a bit and can sometimes make me go into a panic, thinking about how I’ll be effective at work whilst also looking after a sick toddler. But thankfully, we have family around and they have been extremely helpful during such times.
What support systems or resources have been crucial in helping you navigate this complex balance?
My husband and I lean heavily on family and they have been a Godsend! Their support has been crucial especially when we need to make last minute arrangements.
How has your faith helped you on this journey?
My faith has helped me tremendously on this journey. I lean on God every day for His strength mentally and physically to make it through. I have had some very low moments during this journey but during those times, when I may not even be able to pray, I’ll just put on some worship music and cry. It is in those moments when I take comfort in the fact that the Lord knows me more than I know myself, and He hears my prayers even when I am unable to form the words to pray.
Returning to work
How has motherhood changed your perspective on life and your priorities?
In my experience, I believe motherhood has changed my perspective on life and priorities for the better. It has made me become more empathetic and understanding towards others, and helped me value people and relationships more. My priorities have changed in that – yes, I am focused on doing well in my career, but not at the expense of my family and their well-being – Family and relationships are deeply important to me.
How did you prepare for your return to work after maternity leave?
I was very anxious about returning to work and cried so much before going. I didn’t feel ready at all! To prepare, I prayed a lot and spoke to other mums who had been through similar situations to get their advice. It wasn’t easy and to be honest, I don’t think I was prepared even when I started – but I had to throw myself back in and hope for the best! The thing is though, as a Christian, I knew I had God backing me. So while I was so so scared to go back, I leaned heavily on God. I’ve been back at work for almost a year and to be honest, sometimes I still do not feel prepared lol. But that reminds me that it is a daily battle and I try and be kind to myself.
What challenges did you face when re-entering the workplace, and how did you overcome them?
I battled (and still do to a certain extent) with anxiety, self-doubt, a lack of confidence, and imposter syndrome big time when I went back to work. I felt things had moved on whilst I was away and I was playing catch up – I constantly felt out of the loop. This was very hard to deal with especially as, upon returning, a lot of new people more junior than me had joined the team. I felt an expectation to operate as someone more senior and this came with its own challenges. Therapy and coaching were a great help. But more importantly, I tried to be kind to myself and take each day as it came.
How do you approach and manage the inevitable ‘mum guilt’ that many mothers experience?
Mum guilt is definitely inevitable. However, when faced with this, I try and rationalise how I am feeling, address those feelings, and then either learn or move on. Rather than beating myself up about certain situations, I’m learning to learn from them. Another way I deal with this feeling is by making sure I am present when I spend time with my toddler and remind myself: I won’t get this time back.
How do you prioritize and balance self-care, personal time, family time & social time within the busy schedule of motherhood and work?
Balancing personal time, family time and social time can be very difficult when you are a working mum and something is always competing for your time. To be honest, I think it would be wrong to call it a ‘balance’, as when you try and focus on one thing, another thing is often sacrificed. So I think it’s about knowing and understanding what needs to take priority at certain times. A lot of the time, it all works out but, to the detriment of self-care, so I try and focus on that as often as I can. Self-care can be hard but I try to find some form of solace each day. Even if it’s only for 5 minutes, I’ll try and find time just to be present with myself. When I am better prepared, I try to plan for things I can look forward to like a spa day or something relaxing like that.
Can you share some practical tips on how you manage the demands of being a mother while working a demanding 9-5 job?
To do lists and calendars are my best friends! I have to write everything down so I do not forget and that often helps. Communicating with your partner, family, and wider support system is also very important. That ensures you are able to get what you need and also get a much-needed break when others are around to help.
Advice & lessons learnt
What’s the importance of building a support network as a mother? And how can others support you?
Building a support network is so so important! As I get on in motherhood, I’ve found support in different ways such as family coming over to help with bath or bedtime when I’m just too tired or busy with work; that encouraging message from a friend telling me how well I’m doing despite how I feel; or that mummy WhatsApp group I can turn to when my son happens to be ill or have a strange rash. It can be difficult finding such support especially when it feels like you don’t even have time to keep up with friendships etc. But what I’ve found is people are generally understanding and willing to meet you where you are, which makes all the difference.
What advice would you give to other new mothers (or future mothers-to-be) aspiring to balance a career and family life?
Know that you are made for this and more than capable! Having said that, don’t try and do it all alone if you have people around you that are ready and willing to help. Find times of peace and quiet for yourself in order to refuel and recharge – this can be as little as 5 minutes but try and carve out that time for yourself.
